Why did the lunchbox keep everything to itself?
Tap for the punchline
It was raised to keep a lid on things.
Jokes
A joke for every kind of day
Written for this site, so you won't find them in the app. Kind, never at anyone's expense, and fine to read out at work. A small groan is allowed.
Today's joke
All 44 jokes, newest first
A small joke What did the pillow say at the end of a long day?
Tap for the punchline
"Lie down. Tell me nothing. I'll take it from here."
A small joke What's the most beautiful thing in a calendar?
Tap for the punchline
A white space with nothing in it.
A small joke Why is sunscreen the most Australian friend you have?
Tap for the punchline
It shows up every single day and tells you to slip, slop, slap.
A small joke What did the lemon say when its friend had a sour day?
Tap for the punchline
"Don't worry. I'm here to help. It's what we call lemon aid."
A small joke What did the puddle say to the kid in gumboots?
Tap for the punchline
"Go on. You know you want to."
A small joke Why does nobody ever argue with the thermostat?
Tap for the punchline
It's tried to keep the peace for years, and it's still not sure about the temperature.
A small joke Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on its own?
Tap for the punchline
It was two-tyred.
A small joke Why is the dishwasher so calm?
Tap for the punchline
It works through every mess one cycle at a time.
A small joke Why is a blanket such a good listener?
Tap for the punchline
It's always there to cover for you.
A small joke What did the map say on the road trip?
Tap for the punchline
"We're not lost. We're on a scenic adventure."
A small joke What's soup's favourite thing to give?
Tap for the punchline
A hug in a bowl. It's never been good at the other kind.
A small joke Why did the snail start a newsletter?
Tap for the punchline
It wanted something that arrives slowly and is worth the wait.
A small joke Why do teapots make great managers?
Tap for the punchline
They know a good thing takes a few minutes to brew.
A small joke What did the kite say when the wind picked up?
Tap for the punchline
"Finally, something to rise against."
A small joke Why do possums make terrible housemates?
Tap for the punchline
They pay no rent and throw a party on the roof every night at 2 am.
A small joke Why is a suitcase always so relaxed?
Tap for the punchline
It knows that, sooner or later, it's going on holiday.
A small joke Why did the lawnmower get an award?
Tap for the punchline
It always took the edge off.
A small joke Why are avocados so good at teaching patience?
Tap for the punchline
Not ripe, not ripe, not ripe, not ripe. Gone.
A small joke What did the phone say to the charger?
Tap for the punchline
"I don't know what I'd do without you. Probably just switch off."
A small joke Why did the loaf of bread skip the meeting?
Tap for the punchline
It was already on a roll.
A small joke What did the stairs say to the person who was tired?
Tap for the punchline
"One at a time. I'm not going anywhere."
A small joke Why is the fridge light so cheerful?
Tap for the punchline
Every time someone opens up, it lights up.
A small joke Why are wombats so good at handling a bad day?
Tap for the punchline
They know how to dig in, and when to just go to bed.
A small joke Why does nobody argue with a hammock?
Tap for the punchline
It has a very laid-back management style.
A small joke What's the best thing about having no plans this weekend?
Tap for the punchline
You can't be running late for any of them.
A small joke Why is the toaster the most honest appliance?
Tap for the punchline
It always lets you know when it's had enough.
A small joke What's the most peaceful place in a shopping centre?
Tap for the punchline
The car park spot right next to the door. Nobody has ever found it, so it's never been disturbed.
A small joke What do you call an empty inbox?
Tap for the punchline
A rumour.
A small joke Why don't cockatoos need alarm clocks?
Tap for the punchline
They are the alarm clock. For the whole street.
A small joke Why did the pavlova refuse to take sides?
Tap for the punchline
It knew it would only crack under pressure.
A small joke What did the laundry basket say on Sunday night?
Tap for the punchline
"I'm not a mountain. I'm a series of small, foldable hills."
A small joke Why did the banana go to the bakery?
Tap for the punchline
It was having a bit of a brown moment and wanted to turn it into something good.
A small joke Why are umbrellas such optimists?
Tap for the punchline
They're always ready for the rain, and still hoping for the sun.
A small joke Why is bin night everyone's favourite night?
Tap for the punchline
It's the one evening you're guaranteed to take something off your plate.
A small joke What did one tram say to the other?
Tap for the punchline
"Stick to the tracks and nobody gets lost."
A small joke Why don't koalas ever cancel plans?
Tap for the punchline
They never make any. Sleeping in is the plan.
A small joke Why did the lunchbox keep everything to itself?
Tap for the punchline
It was raised to keep a lid on things.
A small joke Why did the snooze button get a fan club?
Tap for the punchline
It's the only thing that has ever said "five more minutes" and meant it.
A small joke Why are socks so bad at maths?
Tap for the punchline
Every time you put two in the wash, you get one back.
A small joke What did the kettle say to the impatient person staring at it?
Tap for the punchline
"I work better when nobody's watching."
A small joke Why did the beach towel get the best spot on the sand?
Tap for the punchline
It got there early and laid it all out.
A small joke Why do magpies make terrible personal trainers?
Tap for the punchline
Their idea of a warm-up is chasing you down the street.
A small joke Why did the houseplant go to the meeting?
Tap for the punchline
Someone said there'd be a lot of growth opportunities.
A small joke Why did the sourdough starter get a promotion?
Tap for the punchline
It showed real initiative and kept rising to the occasion.